Mouth of Madness

Free at Last: A Memorial

Johnny D — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:42:38 +0000

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson was a great American. It wasn’t what he wrote or said that catipulted him to stardom but what he did. He was a ‘physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country—but only for those with true grit. And [he] was chock full of that.’ May he rest in peace, free from Fear and Loathing.

Press Release: Preschool Teacher Bites 4-Year-Old’s Cheek

Johnny D — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 02:08:35 +0000

Paris—A preschool teacher is fined $1,450 today for biting the cheek of 4-year-old. Allegedly, the child threw a tantrum during a restroom break and teacher Celestine Poiran resorted to biting his cheek to calm him down. Not only did this strategy backfire on Poiran when the child’s screams grew louder, but in court today the parents requested her cheek be bitten in return for the act. The courts, however, deemed the fine sufficient punishment. 4-year-old Peter Ladd is now being home schooled, his cheeks safe once again.

Press Release: Carrier Pigeon Bests Internet Speeds in South Africa

Johnny D — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 02:06:20 +0000

South Africa—A carrier pigeon proved to be faster in the transmission of data than the country’s leading Internet service provider this morning. Ronald Davison III dispatched the pigeon from his café to the nearby headquarters of FlexNet, the largest and most reputable Internet firm in South Africa, with a message reading ‘FASTER INTERNET NOW’. The pigeon reportedly delivered his message directly to CEO of FlexNet, Richard Attenborough, on the 7th floor of their building in 15 min.—besting FlexNet’s speed by nearly 4 min. Says Davison: “I hope he got the message.” No comment from FlexNet on the pigeon’s winning flight.

Press Release: Emergency Crews Assaulted by Flying Corks

Johnny D — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:01:14 +0000

Gilroy, CA—A cargo truck delivering bottles of wine crashed on Sat. and caught fire. Battling the blaze, emergency crews found themselves under fire by hundreds of flying corks. The intense heat from the fire caused the bottles of wine to explode, sending the corks in all directions at speeds high enough to injure anyone within 50 ft. of the scene. Three firefighters, two police officers, and one onlooker sustained serious injuries from the corks. Three cows were critically injured as they grazed in a nearby field. One of the corks flattened a tire on a vehicle passing the scene, resulting in a rear-end collision. “It was a first for our department,” says Roy Garland of the Gilroy Fire Department, “and an unfortunate waste of wine.”

Press Release: The Kings of Cricket Spitting

Johnny D — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:24:44 +0000

Marshfield, WI—Brian Johnsrud and his son, Jared, have secured their position among the legions of world record-breakers by spitting crickets for distance. In some circles Cricket Spitting is considered superior to the Super Bowl, World Series, and even the Olympics. Although nationally most of these circles are in the Southern United States, the Johnsrud’s have become a sensation in their home state of Wisconsin, where people come from miles around to witness the two of them spit crickets at distances up to twenty yards. “Sometimes they bite,” Jared says, “but ain’t nothin’ like spittin’ crickets.”

Photo

Johnny D — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:53:50 +0000

Why are these posted all over the city?

Notes from the Cubicle

Johnny D — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 17:02:51 +0000

I writhe under the incandescent fixtures of the office, knotted in a ball of agony and despair. It’s Saturday morning and I’m fifteen minutes into the first of eight horrible hours of confinement in my cubicle. Is this voluntary or involuntary? Sure, I have the power to leave—but at the cost of forfeiting the only income I’ve got. It may be a pittance but it’s helping me tread the financial waters until something better comes along. No, I must stay.

It sure is a chore to communicate with people who don’t speak my language. With all the technology available to us we haven’t got digital translation capabilities in real-time—at least not widely available. We’ve got ships exploring the outer rim of the Milky Way galaxy yet haven’t devised a way to bring down the language barrier here on Earth. Our race is a pitiful one. Perhaps we were better off as microorganisms (or fish at most). Evolution is a cursed thing.

Where do I get this beastly appetite for food? Why has my weight not fluctuated since high school? Will it ever? Cycling forty-five minutes to and from work five days of the week can’t be helping. Note to self: step on the scale tonight and pray it registers.

I suppose I could eat this banana as a late breakfast… [one minute later] Well, that didn’t do much in the way of satisfying this awful hunger. Anyway, let’s try to ignore it for awhile.

I’m rambling. It’s time to end this weirdness. More later.

Quote

Johnny D — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 21:59:52 +0000

Super sunday. Dawn. My recollections of the last twelve hours are very dim. All that I know for certain is that shortly after I checked in, two third-world drug abusers dressed as hotel employees forced their way into my room, ransacked it, drank all my liquor, did all my drugs, stole my dinner. If security precautions aren’t beefed up at this hotel I’m looking for safer accomodations. It’s a sad state of affairs when this reporter has to go heavily armed to breakfast.

Hunter S. Thompson (R.I.P.)

Press Release: Bank Robber Says “I Did it to Get Away from My Wife”

Johnny D — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:16:39 +0000

Pennsylvania—A man arrested for robbing a bank in 2007 now admits having done it to get away from his overbearing wife. 43 year old Roger Crass is happy to be behind bars rather than under the rule of his ex-wife Selena Jones. “I have more freedom here in prison than I did in my marriage!” Crass says. “She followed me to work and kept tabs on everything I did. I couldn’t even take a piss without her approval.” Jones denies the allegations and professes to be a loving and devoted wife to Crass, commenting “I may have been tough on him at times but it was all out of love and concern. Roger needed a lot of direction.” Sgt. Duplantis, Crass’s arresting offer, recalls the strange robbery: “We thought it was odd when we arrived on scene to find Crass sitting on the steps to the bank, cash in hand.”

Press Release: Justice Served by 83 Year Old Man

Johnny D — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:12:21 +0000

New England—83 year old Chester Laney chased a pick-up truck for 15 miles from New York to Connecticut, along with police, to help catch the drunken suspect who rear-ended his car. Laney was driving on the freeway when the suspect, 24 year old David Fleming plowed into the back of his station wagon. Both vehicles barely operable, Laney proceeded to chase Fleming across the state line. Once in Connecticut, the two were followed by a convoy of 14 squad cars from both states until the chase came to an abrupt halt when Laney successfully attempted a pit maneuver and pinned Fleming’s vehicle against a guard rail. The hammer of justice has fallen in Laney’s favor—no charges were filed against him once police learned of his motive. Fleming is sleeping the madness off in a holding cell back in New York, where he will go before a judge in the morning to face charges of driving under the influence, reckless endangerment, evading police, and fleeing the scene of an accident.